I have been thinking about my writing lately, the projects in process and the ones anxiously waiting for their turn on the keyboard. I did a vision board in January. There is something wonderfully hopeful about cutting out words and pictures and pretending glue sticks and paint brushes are a magical part of my spiritual practice.
But hey…maybe they are.
The kind of writing I have been thinking about though has been quieter, more personal, and sometimes even a little scary. It is the kind that rises up in my heart as a true desire.
Then, somewhere underneath that brave declaration on the vision board, I hear the rumbling. It isn’t exactly thunder, although it sometimes feels like a storm gathering in the distance. I hear it more like the low growl of fear and doubt clearing their throats from the back row of my inner theater. These good enemies are not always loud at first. They don’t usually march in carrying banners that say, “We are here to sabotage your dreams.”
That would be helpful, of course, rude, but helpful. At least I would recognize them right off the bat instead of falling into the traps they lay.
Most of the time these saboteurs come in as more subtle energetic forms. They come dressed as logic, timing, responsibility, tiredness, research, preparation, and my personal favorite, “I’ll begin when things settle down.”
I have said that one so many times I should probably have it embroidered on a pillow.
I’ll begin when the calendar clears, when the house is quiet, or when I feel more confident. I will begin when life stops being so, I don’t know… life.
I’ll get back in the game when I know exactly what I am doing, right? Been there, done that, and I still don’t feel like I know what I am doing.
The trouble is, life doesn’t stop long enough to roll out a red carpet for my dreams. Creativity, courage, healing, success, and soul work don’t always show up on sunlit days with a clean desk and an ice-filled glass of soda. Sometimes they arrive while the dryer is buzzing that the laundry’s done, the phone is ringing, dinner is half-planned, and someone needs something from me right this very minute.
Success walks right smack dab into the middle of my ordinary chaos asking for applause and a welcome mat, which feels a bit inconsiderate until I remember that life is where the material for success lives.
So I have been asking myself a tender, uncomfortable question.
When I truly want to succeed, but feel the rumblings of these saboteurs beneath my want, am I subconsciously creating circumstances that keep me stuck?
That is not an easy question to sit with. It is much easier to blame time, other people, obligations, exhaustion, technology, the weather, the moon, and occasionally the dog, even if the dog is innocent and simply napping through my emotional breakthroughs.
Still, when I’m honest, I can see where I sometimes build little barricades around my own becoming. I overthink the next step until it looks too complicated to take. I tell myself I need more information when what I really need is more trust. I rearrange the same idea over and over again, polishing it until it loses its spark. I get busy with everything except the thing I said mattered most.
Then I wonder why I feel stuck until I realize that there is a strange comfort in stuck-ness. I don’t mean that it feels good, because it usually doesn’t. Yet stuck-ness can feel familiar. It keeps me in the land of “someday” where I can still imagine the dream without risking the vulnerability of bringing it into form.
I am learning that my good enemy, The Saboteur, doesn’t always enter the room with flair. Sometimes it’s simply encouraging my quiet refusal to move when movement is what my spirit needs. Sometimes it’s protecting me from disappointment so fiercely that I also wall myself off from joy.
Here’s what I choose instead. I want to become curious. I want to know what I’m afraid will happen if I succeed? I need to uncover that part of me that still believes staying small is safer and teach her that it is anything but?
These questions invite me back into a relationship with myself. They help me listen beneath the voice of my good enemies, where there may be an old wound, an old story, or an old promise I made long ago to protect myself. There is wisdom there, even in the resistance.
I’m going to start again by making one choice, writing just one sentence, making one phone call. I’m going to make one brave, imperfect beginning in the middle of all this real-life stuff and stop waiting for it all to be just right and ready for the move.
I’ll invite the Saboteur to come along on the journey but sternly remind her she doesn’t get to choose the destination. That feels like freedom to me.
It’s a freedom that isn’t me never feeling afraid, but the freedom I’ll find when I no longer let these good enemies write the ending before I have even begun my story.
So this week, I am asking myself where I’m allowing staying stuck to be easier than stepping forward? I am asking with kindness, not criticism and I’m listening for the places where my soul is ready, even if my knees are still knocking and my “committee” is requesting another meeting.
There may always be rumblings under my want but I know that doesn’t mean the want is wrong. It just may mean that this want is real. Maybe the dream matters enough to stir up everything that once felt safe and the invitation is not to wait until I’m fearless, but to move with hope beside me and faith beneath me.
I’m thinking that next small step is already waiting in the middle of my beautifully imperfect, sometimes terribly difficult, wonderfully ordinary life.
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Vicki Dobbs is a bold and adventurous warrior walking a path of heart to manifest spirituality in everyday lives. She opens existential gateways for individuals to face their challenges and embrace these tests as the great teachers that they are.
Her goal is to see everyone walk in beauty and balance every day of their lives empowered by the voice of their own authentic truth.
Through Wisdom Evolution and Sacred Wisdom Workshops, Vicki creates opportunities for others to make deep personal changes through experiential classes, ceremony, sacred art and story. She endeavors to inspire others to create their lives intentionally. Vicki is an Inspirator of everyday awareness, an Instigator of spontaneous stories and a Connoisseur of Creativity. Gratitude and grace sprinkled with humility and humor are the medicine she brings to the world.
As an Elder, Teacher and Entrepreneur, Spiritual Coach, Ordained Minister and Crafter of Sacred Art and Tools, Vicki perceives life’s journey as an ever-upward spiraling ascension of the human spirit leading her to wisdom, wholeness and authenticity.
Her experience includes being trained in the Harner Method of Shamanic Counseling and the Pachakuti Mesa Tradition of Cross Cultural Shamanism. She is a Graduate Teacher and Mentor with the Lynn Andrews Center For Sacred Arts and Training and has been the Administrator and Writers Guide for Writing Spirit, the School.
Vicki is also an Artist of the Spirit Certified Spiritual and Energetic Life Coach, a Graduate Mentor in the AoS program and a founding member of HeatherAsh Amara’s Warrior Goddess Leadership Team and Facilitator of the Warrior Heart Practice.
Connect with Vicki here on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/vickildobbsauthor