Forgiveness, Love Letters and Legacies;
Loving Me to the Moon and Back.
It has taken me a lifetime to realize that things rarely work out as planned, but we can choose how to move forward where ever we find ourselves on the journey. We can still script the pages even if we didn’t write the narrative.
I’ve been angry about a lot of things for a long time, silently quelling the churning, gut twisting realizations and scared to even think about them or bring them up to the ones who pissed me off. Tonight I started speaking into my recorder and all this “stuff” started making its way onto paper (or rather transcribed by voice onto a screen).
“It’s time,” I wrote to myself,” swearing under my breath for this trip I was being pushed into by a voice I didn’t want to listen to.
“It is time to face the fear and rewrite the story.” Even as I type these words I am distracted by the other voice that loves to stir chaos into my stew when I am headed down a difficult path.
“Have you checked to see if you’ve answered all those messages?” And of course, I turn, automatically, to the email and messenger before catching myself with my new key phrase – Rabbithole! – and come back to this story.
“It is time,” I see the phone notes write, “to let go of all of the crap that sneaks into your thoughts in the darkest of nights, when no sleep comes. It is time to write them down, write through them and TELL YOUR GOOD SELF the TRUTH. Write them out of you.”
What I am beginning to realize, and actually feel taking root in my belly, is that perhaps many of them are tied to the weight I am carrying around. Immediately I am assaulted by that other voice that screams at me, “Yeah, right! It’s all your fault. You are the one who feeds all this stuff and stuffs all the things you feel into the hidden recesses of your hips.” A hideous laughter breaks out in the back of my mind while the words spill into the recorder and the machine types them right in front of me, no escape.
Shaking myself back into this space, looking at the notes screen but not speaking this aloud, I want to write, but don’t yet. I think I believe in my deepest heart, that it is forgiveness that will lift the weight and it is without understanding, without acknowledgment, that I have not been able to forgive, even though I was sure I had.
“There is a BIG difference between acknowledgment and forgiveness.” I hear whispered in my subconscious ears that try so hard to listen. “Forgiveness is not the act of remembering the pain and the one who caused it, it is about recognizing that you carry that pain unacknowledged and hidden.”
I have always been one to hang on to the why, the why me, the how come, what did I do or could have done to change the pain. I am in my eighth decade of living on this good Mother Earth, and I want the next twenty-five to be my best.
What I have come to know is that I can’t have the best if I am not at my best to receive it. I cannot be the best if I am weighed down by what if’s and whys, with how comes and why can’t you see what it’s done? I want to live the next twenty-five years free of the last 70+ so that my world will come into being as bright, in light and joy. I want to watch my grandsons thrive, my children’s dreams become reality in a successful, happy, joyous, fulfilled, hard-working, hard playing, loving relationship.
What I have come to know for sure as Oprah would say, is that I want my legacy to be one of inspiration and joy not as a heavily hidden grandma who can’t get out of the chair, who doesn’t have the energy to go swimming because I do so love the water. I want to hike mountains with the boys and play board games I don’t understand and chase the moon. I want what is left of me to be words of wisdom, gifting and inspiring, empowering, encouraging and educating.
If I am to meet my great grandchildren on this earthly plane, then I must change the story I have been living, tell my good self the new one, write it down and hold myself accountable for dreaming it into reality, one step at a time.
It starts with a new love story. “It’s your love story,” I hear that wonderful familiar voice cut through the chatter. “It is about loving you, choosing you, being who you actually want to be and putting you at the top of your own to-do list.” Nothing like getting your words tossed right back at ya, smack dab in the face, center splat.
Isn’t that the real truth of it all, the tales we just don’t tell ourselves in the name of whatever it takes to survive, wherever we are in our lives, lest we surrender to the madness that lives all around us and give up.
Not this week, I have made my list. I have gone down the dusty trail of remembering the hard stuff, the stuff of hurt and anger and anguish and I have written it all down and now I am writing love letters to everyone and everything on that list.
Join me, won’t you? Let’s rewrite the dream, make room for our wildest desires to fit into the story and love ourselves endlessly to the moon and back.
From my heart to yours.
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Vicki Dobbs is a bold and adventurous warrior walking a path of heart to manifest spirituality in everyday lives. She opens existential gateways for individuals to face their challenges and embrace these tests as the great teachers that they are.
Her goal is to see everyone walk in beauty and balance every day of their lives empowered by the voice of their own authentic truth.
Through Wisdom Evolution and Sacred Wisdom Workshops, Vicki creates opportunities for others to make deep personal changes through experiential classes, ceremony, sacred art and story. She endeavors to inspire others to create their lives intentionally. Vicki is an Inspirator of everyday awareness, an Instigator of spontaneous stories and a Connoisseur of Creativity. Gratitude and grace sprinkled with humility and humor are the medicine she brings to the world.
As an Elder, Teacher and Entrepreneur, Spiritual Coach, Ordained Minister and Crafter of Sacred Art and Tools, Vicki perceives life’s journey as an ever-upward spiraling ascension of the human spirit leading her to wisdom, wholeness and authenticity.
Her experience includes being trained in the Harner Method of Shamanic Counseling and the Pachakuti Mesa Tradition of Cross Cultural Shamanism. She is a Graduate Teacher and Mentor with the Lynn Andrews Center For Sacred Arts and Training and has been the Administrator and Writers Guide for Writing Spirit, the School.
Vicki is also an Artist of the Spirit Certified Spiritual and Energetic Life Coach, a Graduate Mentor in the AoS program and a founding member of HeatherAsh Amara’s Warrior Goddess Leadership Team and Facilitator of the Warrior Heart Practice.
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