I Can’t… I won’t… maybe if… OK… how
I Can’t… I won’t… maybe if… why bother… how? Where do I begin when a jolt of “expanded consciousness strikes through a tragic life event” as White Eagle would say? “How do I take the inconceivable and sometimes devastating change that happens in life and see it in a new way? How do I use the breakdowns as breakthroughs? What is in front of me today that was not possible before?”
My reality is that grief will be a constant companion on this earth walk. It is not something that goes away as it sometimes feels like it could or should. Each new layer of grief washes over the grieving and the bystanders and rocks the very foundations that sustain them, washes the sand out to sea and leaves stones tumbling down rocky shores.
“You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one, you will learn to live with it.” Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler wrote. “You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”
I know she is here. I can feel her near as I struggle to listen with ears full of tears. When my emotions come crashing against my very soul, let me stay calm and like the ocean waves, ebb and flow until the worst of it passes and I can stand once again.
“If the ocean can calm itself, so can I,” I hear as I listen through the stillness for words that bring peace and ease to my heart. I remember what Grief teaches and holds me accountable for, the lessons for this lifetime brought forward once again, for the deeper learning.
When ‘life’ pushes you to your limits, do you push back? Do you surrender or succumb? Do you fight the changes and end up buried in the emotions that will sneak up and pile on you all at once?
When you hit the wall, the floor, the bed, whatever your place in time, space, your reality, however you got there or however long you have been there, there will come a time when you scream STOP, no more, I can’t, I don’t want to, maybe if I, I don’t care, OK, how? All the stages of grief will present themselves to you to traverse as you can, when you can, as you must to survive and move on.
The tears will come like ocean waves that can’t be held back, a tsunami of emotions that will try to drown you when you least expect them. The lesson is to swim, to go with the flow wherever it takes you. If you fight against the wave until the exhaustion overtakes you, you go under.
Hit the re-set button, grab the life jacket floating by on the swelling wave that is carrying you away and begin your journey back to you. The easiest way out of the darkness that threatens to envelope you, is to reach out, find your support systems, seek what you need to turn the light on.
When you are ready to match your situation to your soul, you will find that you feel a new sense of harmony and be increasingly connected to the ebb and flow of the Universe…”
I know the route I need to travel, that I must take, may not always be clear and that I may feel drawn down a new one, yet be unsure of the why or how. What I do know for sure is that as I ask, so shall I receive answers and that clarity may come with the questioning as I willingly listen to where my soul is trying to take me.
I know that in Grace and with gratitude, I will move from one point to another, listening to the whispers on the wind as I learn to bring my heart and soul energies into alignment with my path and my purpose. It will be a process of letting go and reconnecting, purging and exploring as the fog clears and the path is illuminated before me.
May each of you find the flickering flame that lies deep in the bottom of your heart and let it ignite the journey of your soul’s desire bringing you love, laughter, joy, and wisdom.
Many blessings.
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Vicki Dobbs is a bold and adventurous warrior walking a path of heart to manifest spirituality in everyday lives. She opens existential gateways for individuals to face their challenges and embrace these tests as the great teachers that they are.
Her goal is to see everyone walk in beauty and balance every day of their lives empowered by the voice of their own authentic truth.
Through Wisdom Evolution and Sacred Wisdom Workshops, Vicki creates opportunities for others to make deep personal changes through experiential classes, ceremony, sacred art and story. She endeavors to inspire others to create their lives intentionally. Vicki is an Inspirator of everyday awareness, an Instigator of spontaneous stories and a Connoisseur of Creativity. Gratitude and grace sprinkled with humility and humor are the medicine she brings to the world.
As an Elder, Teacher and Entrepreneur, Spiritual Coach, Ordained Minister and Crafter of Sacred Art and Tools, Vicki perceives life’s journey as an ever-upward spiraling ascension of the human spirit leading her to wisdom, wholeness and authenticity.
Her experience includes being trained in the Harner Method of Shamanic Counseling and the Pachakuti Mesa Tradition of Cross Cultural Shamanism. She is a Graduate Teacher and Mentor with the Lynn Andrews Center For Sacred Arts and Training and has been the Administrator and Writers Guide for Writing Spirit, the School.
Vicki is also an Artist of the Spirit Certified Spiritual and Energetic Life Coach, a Graduate Mentor in the AoS program and a founding member of HeatherAsh Amara’s Warrior Goddess Leadership Team and Facilitator of the Warrior Heart Practice.
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