A TV show talking story in the background of a quiet room usually does the trick. If my mind stays too connected to the story, I switch to wordless, soothing music and most nights sleep comes softly though not always easily. Tonight, or rather now, this morning, sleep evades my best intentions.
It’s dark, the lights are all out and the silence roars through my ears like two fluorescent lights going out at the same time, on different frequencies. I think the ringing is so loud it will wake everybody in the house.
I give up and get up and tippy toe to the refrigerator. It’s 1:30 in the morning and I have hunger pangs gnawing inside my anxious belly, wondering why sleep doesn’t come easily. Lettuce leaves, a slice of bruschetta, fresh avocado, kosher salt, and cherub tomatoes make for my early, early morning breakfast. The clock says 2:00 am. Where have four hours gone since I retired to the snuggly soft pillows in my gel foam nest?
I have never made friends with sleep. Writing this makes me think that my teacher would tell me that what evades me, may in fact be stalking me and perhaps, I should turn around and look it in the eyes. Face the insomnia and ask it what the heck it wants from me and why it can’t leave me be when my intent is to sleep.
“What does sleep look like to you,” I hear in the melody of my ringing ears. “What does it feel like? What should sleep be and who’s definition of it’s time for bed is running about in the circles of my mind?”
I think I’ll turn the light off now and take those questions to bed. I’ll let my circling mind gnaw on something new to contemplate while I call sleep into bed with me and welcome it as a much desired resident along with my goose down pillow…
And sleep comes, eventually.
The sun is high, it is after nine and I lay in my nest of pillows wondering what this day will bring, what I need to get done, who I need to talk to, what I want to write. I sit up on the edge of my bed and stare quietly at the pictures on the wall, the little fetish carvings that adorn the top of a small chest on the opposite wall; roadrunner, wolf, raven. My thoughts circle the top of that chest, the crystals, the heart shaped bowl, a shell – the stories they each hold.
There is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind, one I can’t put a name to yet and as I sit there, a raven seems to call my attention. He reminds me of a saying I read in a fortune cookie last week – “Doubt is the beginning, not the end of wisdom.”
My mind latches onto those words and takes them in once again. Doubt is a familiar foe in my world and one that often shelves my best intentions until I have the will to stand up to Doubt and take control of my day. This morning, Raven reminds me that Doubt can also be a powerful ally and it is time to consider the wisdom that waits on the doorstep of my day.
What do you do when sleep evades your best intentions?
What allies walk with you and what “good enemies” will challenge your intent today? Will you turn away or turn to them and ask, “What is the lesson you have brought me in this moment?”
May your days be filled with wonder and amazement, laughter and joy. May you recognize the wisdom waiting on the other side of Doubt when it comes to visit and invite wisdom in when your mind fills with useless gnawing thoughts that keeps sleep from coming softly.
Happy Trails and Sweet Dreams.
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Vicki Dobbs is a bold and adventurous warrior walking a path of heart to manifest spirituality in everyday lives. She opens existential gateways for individuals to face their challenges and embrace these tests as the great teachers that they are.
Her goal is to see everyone walk in beauty and balance every day of their lives empowered by the voice of their own authentic truth.
Through Wisdom Evolution and Sacred Wisdom Workshops, Vicki creates opportunities for others to make deep personal changes through experiential classes, ceremony, sacred art and story. She endeavors to inspire others to create their lives intentionally. Vicki is an Inspirator of everyday awareness, an Instigator of spontaneous stories and a Connoisseur of Creativity. Gratitude and grace sprinkled with humility and humor are the medicine she brings to the world.
As an Elder, Teacher and Entrepreneur, Spiritual Coach, Ordained Minister and Crafter of Sacred Art and Tools, Vicki perceives life’s journey as an ever-upward spiraling ascension of the human spirit leading her to wisdom, wholeness and authenticity.
Her experience includes being trained in the Harner Method of Shamanic Counseling and the Pachakuti Mesa Tradition of Cross Cultural Shamanism. She is a Graduate Teacher and Mentor with the Lynn Andrews Center For Sacred Arts and Training and has been the Administrator and Writers Guide for Writing Spirit, the School.
Vicki is also an Artist of the Spirit Certified Spiritual and Energetic Life Coach, a Graduate Mentor in the AoS program and a founding member of HeatherAsh Amara’s Warrior Goddess Leadership Team and Facilitator of the Warrior Heart Practice.
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