I’ve been thinking a lot this past week about what I do and how much time I spend doing nothing. Now for me, that doing nothing that begins to exhaust me, is competing for “diamonds” in a word game, or binge watching some TV show or series that doesn’t fuel my joy or serve my soul. My excuse to myself… I am keeping my brain going with word puzzles… I am catching the occasional great phrase or comment or “picture” that inspires me to write.
The draw-back is that I am not ‘being’ in my world. I am not in the driver’s seat steering a new course each day. I am going along for a ride with time bouncing in and out of my world as it races by, and the moon goes from full and bright to dark in the night sky, over, and over again.
I have spurts of ingenuity, dashes of inspiration, and days where I can write on end, and then… there are those days on end, where I walk past the office door and sigh as I head out to the giant screen that resides on the wall near the kitchen and my comfy chair that is not so comfortable anymore. Lazyboy, I wish you could tell me how to keep the back of our recliners from slowly reclining on their own instead of when we want to recline. But that’s a conversation for another time and not ordering things online (thank you 2020).
I think back at the last decade and a half, and I “see” myself buried in a busy world of doing; mostly doing work and working for others as volunteering was part of the culture I was raised in. It was a good thing to “be of service” to something or someone.
When I feel into the empty ball that keeps rolling around in my gut, I wonder if that motivation to help others and do for others in these past years, has not been from a place of serving another or a cause, but a great distraction from serving myself? If I served myself up on a giant platter, I didn’t have to figure out what I wanted to serve to myself or the world because I had a plan, I had a cause, I had a person to “be” for.
When one rides an emotional roller coaster between joy and grief, high and low, yeahhh and ohhh nooo, it is easy to be a rescuer rather then find the strength to turn within and deal with one’s own needs. Putting You First is to live a healthy, balanced life of giving AND receiving.
- Are you facing burnout simmering on the stove in front of you?
- Is resentment growing in the belly of your “beast”?
- Can you even see that you have needs of your own?
- Are you willing to be vulnerable and step aside in service to yourself?
I have been pondering my tomorrows with you all for over a year now, and I find myself steeped in conversation with myself today over where all this is going? I have felt vulnerable at times yet, I will quite quickly, remind anyone who asks that I am fine, that I don’t need anything.
I have acknowledged my own humanity when it jumps out and smacks me upside of the head and yet am I acknowledging the pain that lies hidden in the deeper recesses of those thoughts? Not really, or they wouldn’t still be creeping across the screen in the hidden spaces between my words.
Last week I wrote about the times, they are a changing and this week, I think that one of those realities is really sinking in for me. I am being asked to (by me and my council of voices), to look deeper, to feel into what I want, what I need, what I must do for me to grow into this new space and fill the empty ball rolling around in my gut.
What I do know for sure, is that it is time for me to pick up the stories laid out before me and share them in a new way, with a new frame, through new forms of creativity and technology. I am writing, and I am dreaming, and I am having conversations through the mists once more.
Last night I wrote this note while watching one of those mind-numbing shows that fills empty hours in my night. One of the players was telling another character of a song written by Grace Potter. I believe it was called Stars and the takeaway phrase shared was “I lit a fire with the love you left behind.” WOW and double wow, ker-pow, gut punch TRUTH spoken.
What a great way to look at loss, as love left behind and fodder to fuel a fire-lit life.
Where are those matches? I’m ready to get back in the driver’s seat, pick up the reins and giddy on up. Ya’ all with me?
Let’s live, fully, intentionally, joyfully ignited by the love left behind by those braving the path that we will all walk one day.
Let’s ride!
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Vicki Dobbs is a bold and adventurous warrior walking a path of heart to manifest spirituality in everyday lives. She opens existential gateways for individuals to face their challenges and embrace these tests as the great teachers that they are.
Her goal is to see everyone walk in beauty and balance every day of their lives empowered by the voice of their own authentic truth.
Through Wisdom Evolution and Sacred Wisdom Workshops, Vicki creates opportunities for others to make deep personal changes through experiential classes, ceremony, sacred art and story. She endeavors to inspire others to create their lives intentionally. Vicki is an Inspirator of everyday awareness, an Instigator of spontaneous stories and a Connoisseur of Creativity. Gratitude and grace sprinkled with humility and humor are the medicine she brings to the world.
As an Elder, Teacher and Entrepreneur, Spiritual Coach, Ordained Minister and Crafter of Sacred Art and Tools, Vicki perceives life’s journey as an ever-upward spiraling ascension of the human spirit leading her to wisdom, wholeness and authenticity.
Her experience includes being trained in the Harner Method of Shamanic Counseling and the Pachakuti Mesa Tradition of Cross Cultural Shamanism. She is a Graduate Teacher and Mentor with the Lynn Andrews Center For Sacred Arts and Training and has been the Administrator and Writers Guide for Writing Spirit, the School.
Vicki is also an Artist of the Spirit Certified Spiritual and Energetic Life Coach, a Graduate Mentor in the AoS program and a founding member of HeatherAsh Amara’s Warrior Goddess Leadership Team and Facilitator of the Warrior Heart Practice.
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